Do they have Christmas in Westeros, the permanently embattled kingdom that serves as the setting for “Game of Thrones?” It’s never been explicitly or implicitly mentioned, which is a shame, because after Season 5, Dany (Emilia Clarke), Sansa (Sophie Turner), Arya (Maisie Williams), Jon Snow (Kit Harington), and the rest of the gang need a little holiday R&R more than anyone.
However, since we do have Christmas in our (slightly) less effed-up realm, we’ve gone ahead and dreamt up the perfect gift for each and every member of the “Game of Thrones” squad. You’re welcome, Tommen.
Daenerys left Tyrion to rule Meereen all by his lonesome, while the city was in a state of total disillusionment with the current regime in power. Sounds an awful lot like Barack Obama’s deal when he inhabited America post-Bush years in 2008 — so what better to get Tyrion than Obama’s 2008 book, “The Audacity of Hope?”
(ASIDE: We would have said “Dreams from My Father,” but as MTV News-er Victoria McNallypointed out, that might bring up some bad feelings for poor Tyrion. So “Hope” it is.)
Jaime tragically lost his only daughter, Myrcella, at the end of Season 5… so we’d either get him one of those Ashton Drake lifelike baby dolls to “replace” her, or a 3D printout of his right hand, to better slay those Sand Snakes with. It’s a toss-up.
Cersei LannisterCersei didn’t fare much better than her brother-lover at the end of Season 5. Neither did her beautiful, flowing mane, so here’s to getting her some Ken Paves clip-in hair extensions, at least until it grows back.
Dany is surrounded by Dothraki again, so she just needs pepper spray. Lots and lots of pepper spray. Run, girl.
Is Jon Snow alive? Probably not, at least not now. But for when Melisandre inevitably brings him back to life, let’s just get him a whistle — with GPS pet tracking! — so he can call Ghost next time he’s jumped by a group of xenophobic Night’s Watchmen.
Littlefinger always has at least 27 evil schemes running concurrently in his brain. It can be hard as a viewer to keep track, so one would think the man himself might have trouble keeping them straight now and then, too. Therefore, we think Microsoft Excel would be greatfor Mr. Baelish.
VarysVarys’ so-called little birds are most definitely a metaphor, but whatever. We got him a little bird feeder, anyway.
Margaery TyrellUnfortunately, Margaery’s present hasn’t been released yet — but once it is, we think it’ll be a winner. Embattled “Real Housewives of New Jersey” star Teresa Giudice wrote a book while she was in prison called “Turning the Tables,” and it chronicles her journey “from housewife to inmate and back again.” Sounds right up Marge’s alley, no?
Poor Davos. His reading teacher Shireen just died horribly, so he definitely needs the entireHooked on Phonics series to keep up with her lessons and honor her memory.
Arya needs this walking stick with wolves carved into it, for what should be obvious reasons. (Also, some candles to mask the scent of oysters, clams and cockles might be nice.)
Sansa needs a lot of things after the horrible year she had… Like a hug, or a god-honest friend, to think of a couple. But since she just escaped Winterfell with Theon in the middle of a storm — and let’s be honest, Theon is essentially useless — she’ll need this Ready America cold weather survival kit for two people, to get the two of them to their final destination (Rickon?) in one piece. (Well, Theon’s never going to be in one piece again, but you get it.)
Melisandre is always getting naked in subzero temperatures, which cannot feel good on the nips. So — and sorry for the NSFW-ish-ness, BTW — we’re getting her these Boob-ease Soothing Therapy Pillows.
Sam and Gilly
Theon GreyjoyWhen Theon made that big jump out of Winterfell, he was basically wearing rags. So, yeah, we’re worried — and getting him these Columbia Bugaboot Plus III Titanium Omi-Heat snow boots for the journey.
Brienne of TarthWhen we last saw Brienne, she had just missed her chance to save Sansa when she decided to chase after Stannis instead of waiting for the light in the tower. She seemingly chopped him up good, meaning she’ll need some OxiClean to keep that armor looking fresh and blood-free.
Tommen BaratheonTommen needs this Turbo Cat Scratcher, because he’s probably way too busy running his kingdom to play with Ser Pounce himself. (My cats have had it for two years, and they still love it. Never gets old.)
Jorah MormontUnfortunately, Jorah needs a copy of “He’s Just Not That Into You” — only with all of the “he’s” replaced with “she’s” — to fully drive in the point that it’s just never going to happen with Dany.
The Night’s King
The Night’s King needs some fake tanner. Xen-Tan Dark Lotion is the real deal.
Ramsay is getting coal. Obviously.