‘Game Of Thrones’: Here’s What You Should Get Arya, Jon Snow And More For Christmas

365
0
mgid-uma-image-mtv (2)

Do they have Christmas in Westeros, the permanently embattled kingdom that serves as the setting for “Game of Thrones?” It’s never been explicitly or implicitly mentioned, which is a shame, because after Season 5, Dany (Emilia Clarke), Sansa (Sophie Turner), Arya (Maisie Williams), Jon Snow (Kit Harington), and the rest of the gang need a little holiday R&R more than anyone.

However, since we do have Christmas in our (slightly) less effed-up realm, we’ve gone ahead and dreamt up the perfect gift for each and every member of the “Game of Thrones” squad. You’re welcome, Tommen.

  • Tyrion Lannister

    Daenerys left Tyrion to rule Meereen all by his lonesome, while the city was in a state of total disillusionment with the current regime in power. Sounds an awful lot like Barack Obama’s deal when he inhabited America post-Bush years in 2008 — so what better to get Tyrion than Obama’s 2008 book, “The Audacity of Hope?”

    (ASIDE: We would have said “Dreams from My Father,” but as MTV News-er Victoria McNallypointed out, that might bring up some bad feelings for poor Tyrion. So “Hope” it is.)

  • Jaime Lannister

    Jaime tragically lost his only daughter, Myrcella, at the end of Season 5… so we’d either get him one of those Ashton Drake lifelike baby dolls to “replace” her, or a 3D printout of his right hand, to better slay those Sand Snakes with. It’s a toss-up.

  • Cersei Lannister

     Cersei didn’t fare much better than her brother-lover at the end of Season 5. Neither did her beautiful, flowing mane, so here’s to getting her some Ken Paves clip-in hair extensions, at least until it grows back.
  • Daenerys Targaryen

    Dany is surrounded by Dothraki again, so she just needs pepper spray. Lots and lots of pepper spray. Run, girl.

  • Jon Snow

    Is Jon Snow alive? Probably not, at least not now. But for when Melisandre inevitably brings him back to life, let’s just get him a whistle — with GPS pet tracking! — so he can call Ghost next time he’s jumped by a group of xenophobic Night’s Watchmen.

  • Littlefinger

    Littlefinger always has at least 27 evil schemes running concurrently in his brain. It can be hard as a viewer to keep track, so one would think the man himself might have trouble keeping them straight now and then, too. Therefore, we think Microsoft Excel would be greatfor Mr. Baelish.

  • Varys

    Varys’ so-called little birds are most definitely a metaphor, but whatever. We got him a little bird feeder, anyway.
  • Margaery Tyrell

     Unfortunately, Margaery’s present hasn’t been released yet — but once it is, we think it’ll be a winner. Embattled “Real Housewives of New Jersey” star Teresa Giudice wrote a book while she was in prison called “Turning the Tables,” and it chronicles her journey “from housewife to inmate and back again.” Sounds right up Marge’s alley, no?
  • Davos Seaworth

    Poor Davos. His reading teacher Shireen just died horribly, so he definitely needs the entireHooked on Phonics series to keep up with her lessons and honor her memory.

  • Arya Stark

    Arya needs this walking stick with wolves carved into it, for what should be obvious reasons. (Also, some candles to mask the scent of oysters, clams and cockles might be nice.)

  • Sansa Stark

    Sansa needs a lot of things after the horrible year she had… Like a hug, or a god-honest friend, to think of a couple. But since she just escaped Winterfell with Theon in the middle of a storm — and let’s be honest, Theon is essentially useless — she’ll need this Ready America cold weather survival kit for two people, to get the two of them to their final destination (Rickon?) in one piece. (Well, Theon’s never going to be in one piece again, but you get it.)

  • Melisandre

    Melisandre is always getting naked in subzero temperatures, which cannot feel good on the nips. So — and sorry for the NSFW-ish-ness, BTW — we’re getting her these Boob-ease Soothing Therapy Pillows.

  • Sam and Gilly

     Sam and Gilly are traveling cross-country (continent?) with a crying baby, so they definitely need these heavy-duty ear plugs to hand out to their fellow travelers, out of courtesy.
  • Theon Greyjoy

     When Theon made that big jump out of Winterfell, he was basically wearing rags. So, yeah, we’re worried — and getting him these Columbia Bugaboot Plus III Titanium Omi-Heat snow boots for the journey.
  • Daario Naharis

     Daario has no idea where his main girl Daenerys is, so we got him that “Find My Friends” app to track her down. (Just don’t tell him it was free, K?)
  • Brienne of Tarth

     When we last saw Brienne, she had just missed her chance to save Sansa when she decided to chase after Stannis instead of waiting for the light in the tower. She seemingly chopped him up good, meaning she’ll need some OxiClean to keep that armor looking fresh and blood-free.
  • Tommen Baratheon

     Tommen needs this Turbo Cat Scratcher, because he’s probably way too busy running his kingdom to play with Ser Pounce himself. (My cats have had it for two years, and they still love it. Never gets old.)
  • Jorah Mormont

     Unfortunately, Jorah needs a copy of “He’s Just Not That Into You” — only with all of the “he’s” replaced with “she’s” — to fully drive in the point that it’s just never going to happen with Dany.
  • The Night’s King

    The Night’s King needs some fake tanner. Xen-Tan Dark Lotion is the real deal.

  • Ramsay Bolton

    Ramsay is getting coal. Obviously.

 


Facebook Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Comment moderation is enabled. Your comment may take some time to appear.